Al-Akhlâq wa’l-Siyar (Morals and Behaviour)
In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful
VI) The Different Kinds of Love 155. I have been asked to focus on what there is to say about love,
and the different kinds of love. All the different kinds of love belong to the same
family. Love is characterized by longing for the loved one, horror of separation, hope of
having ones love reciprocated. It has been suggested that the sentiment varies
according to its object. But the object varies only according to the lovers desires,
according to whether they are on the increase, the decrease, or are vanishing altogether.
Thus, love felt for God Almighty is perfect love; that which unites beings in the quest
for the same ideal, the love of a father, a son, parents, a friend, a sovereign, a wife, a
benefactor, a person in whom one has placed ones hopes, a lover, all is generally
the same, all is love, but there are different species as I have just listed, differing by
the amount of love inspired by what the loved one is able to give of itself. Thus love can
take different forms: we have seen men die broken-hearted because of their sons exactly as
a lover might have his heart broken by his loved one. We have heard of a man who burnt
with such fear of God, with such love, that he died of it. We know that a man can be as
jealous of them as a lover is of his mistress. 156. The least that the lover can desire of the loved one is to win
her esteem, her attention, to approach her - not daring to expect more. This is how far
those aspire who love each other in God Almighty. 157. The next stage is when desire grows as time is spent together, in
conversation, and interest is shown by one to another. This is the level of the love of a
man towards his prince, his friend or his own brother. 158. But the height of what a lover may wish from the loved one is to
take her in his arms when he desires her. That is why we see a man who is passionately
fond of his wife trying different positions in making love, and different places, so as to
feel that he possesses her more completely. It is in this category that we should put
caresses and kisses. Some of these desires may arise in a father towards his child and may
drive him to [express them] in kisses and caresses. 159. Everything that we have just mentioned is uniquely the function
of [extreme] desire. When for some reason, the desire for some object is suppressed, the
soul is driven towards a different object of desire. 160. Thus we find that the man who believes in the possibility of
seeing God Almighty longs for it, has a great yearning for it and will never be satisfied
with anything less since it is that which he desires. On the other hand, a man who does
not believe in it does not aspire to this ecstasy and does not wish for it, having no
desire for it. He is content to bow to divine will and to go to the mosque. He has no
other ambition. 161. We have observed that a man who is legally able to marry his
close relatives is not satisfied with favours which would satisfy someone who is not
permitted to marry them. His love does not stop at the same point as the love of a man who
is forbidden by law to love them. Those, such as Magians and Jews, who are permitted to
marry their own daughters and nieces, do not curb their love at the same point as a Muslim
does. On the contrary, they feel the same love to their daughters or to their nieces as a
Muslim does to a woman he will sleep with. One never sees a Muslim desiring his close
relatives in this way, even if they are more beautiful than the sun itself, even if he is
the most debauched and the most amorous of men. And if, very exceptionally, it should
happen, it would be only among the impious, who do not feel the constraint of the
religion, and who allow themselves every lustful thought, and who find every gate of
desire open to them. It cannot be guaranteed that a Muslim might not love his cousin so
excessively that his love became a passion and overstepped the affection which he bore
towards his daughter and niece, even if the cousin was not so beautiful as they. In fact
he might desire favours from his cousin which he would never expect from his daughter or
his niece. On the other hand, a Christian will treat his cousin with equal respect, for he
is not permitted to desire her. But [unlike a Muslim] he does not have to restrain himself
with anyone who shared a wet nurse with him, since he may desire her without offending the
laws of his religion. 162. We now see the truth of what we said earlier: love in all its
manifestations forms one single generic family, but its species vary according to the
different objects of its desire. 163. Having said this, human nature is the same every where but
different customs and religious beliefs have created apparent differences. 164. We do not say that desire has an influence only on love. We would
say that is the cause of all kinds of cares, even those which concern ones fortune
and social position. Thus it may be observed that a man who sees the death of his
neighbour, or of his maternal uncle, his friend, his cousin, his great-uncle, his nephew,
his maternal grandfather or his grandson, having no claim on their property, does not fret
because it has escaped him, however large and considerable their fortunes might be,
because he had no expectation of them. But as soon as a distant member of his father's
family dies, or one of his remotest clients, he begins to covet their belongings. And with
the coveting comes crowding in anxiety, regret, anger and great sorrow if some tiny part
of their fortune escapes him. 165. It is the same with ones position in society: a man who
belongs to the lowest social class does not fret if he is not consulted when someone else
is given charge of the affairs of the land. He does not fret if someone else is promoted
or demoted. But as soon as he begins to feel an ambition to better himself, it provokes so
much worry, anxiety and anger that it could make him lose his soul, his world and his
position in the hereafter [lose his soul here and in the hereafter]. Thus covetousness is
the cause of all humiliation and every kind of anxiety. It is a wicked and despicable kind
of behaviour. 166. The opposite of covetousness is disinterest. This is a virtuous
quality which combines courage, generosity, justice and intelligence. A disinterested man
is truly intelligent because he understands the vanity of covetousness and prefers
disinterest. His courage gives birth to a greatness of spirit which makes him
disinterested. His natural generosity stops him fretting about property which is lost to
him. His equitable nature makes him love reserve and moderation in his desires. Thus
disinterest is composed of these four qualities, just a covetousness, its opposite, is
composed of the four opposite faults, that is, cowardice, greed, injustice and ignorance. Greed is a kind of covetousness which would like to possess everything; it
is insatiable and ever increasing in its demands. If there were no such thing as
covetousness, nobody would ever humiliate himself to anybody else. Abû Bakr ibn Abû ibn
al-Fayyâd has told me that Uthmân bin Muhâmis [died 356 AH; 966 CE] inscribed
upon the door of his house in Ecija [in Seville] “Uthmân covets nothing”. Other species of this kind 167. A man made unhappy by the presence of a person he detests is like
a man made unhappy by the absence of the person he loves. There is nothing to choose
between them. 168. When a lover wishes to forget, he is sure to be able to do so.
This wish is always granted. 169. If you treat the person you live with with respect, he will treat
you with respect. 170. The man who is unhappy in love is the one who is racked by a
passion for one whom he can keep locked away and with whom he may be united without
incurring the wrath of God or the criticism of his fellow-men. All is well when the two
lovers agree in loving each other. For love to run its course freely, it is essential that
the two do not feel bored, for that is a bad feeling which gives rise to hatred. Perfect
love would be if destiny forgot the two lovers while they were enjoying each other. But
where could that happen except in Paradise? Only there can love be sure of shelter, for
that is the home of everlasting stability. Otherwise, in the world, such feelings are not
protected from misfortunes, and we go through life without ever tasting pleasure to the
full. 171. When jealousy dies, you may be sure that love has also died. 172. Jealousy is a virtuous feeling which is made of courage and
justice; truly, a just man hates to infringe the sacred rights of others, and hates to see
others infringe his own sacred rights. When courage is inborn in a person, it gives rise
to a grandeur of spirit which abhors injustice. 173. A man whose fortunes I have followed during these times told me
once that he himself had never known jealousy until he was racked by love. Only then did
he feel jealous. This man was corrupt by nature, he was a bad character, but nevertheless
he was perspicacious and generous. 174. There are five stages in the growth of love: first is to think
someone pleasant, that is, someone thinks of someone else as being nice or is charmed by
their character. This is part of making friends. Then there is admiration; that is the
desire to be near the person that one admires. Then there is close friendship when you
miss the other one terribly when they are absent. Then there is amorous affection when you
are completely obsessed with the loved one. In the special vocabulary of love this is
called ishq, “the slavery of love”. Finally, there is passion, when
one can no longer sleep, eat or think. This can make you ill to the point of delirium or
even death. Beyond this, there is absolutely no place where love ends. A note 175. We used to think that passion was found more often among lively
and emotional women. But our experience has shown that this is not the case. Passion is
found most often among calm women, as long as their calmness is not the placidity of
stupidity.